Paralyzed by Indecisiveness

So I went on this rant about how I was going to rant and so far there has been nary a rant! Here's why. I am too damn complicated. I've finally come to this conclusion. 13 (or is 14?) years of psychoanalysis, a degree in psychology, and unending amounts of self reflection and this is what I've come to? Good grief, my family and friends have been reminding me of this since birth! I don't write, rant, or otherwise rally myself because I simply never know where to begin. Take tonight for example; I had a blog idea in my head, checked my e-mail and completely forgot what I wanted to say! This is probably due to the fact that I have had about 10 different ideas just today - while taking a shower (or was that yesterday? I don't believe my child allowed me to shower today), driving said child to sleep in the car, eating my lunch, at the movies with DH, and while reading someone else's blog! Sigh. I AM too complicated.

So here it is. I've decided that, my short attention span and my obvious inability to focus or remain present for any length of time is calling for desperate measures. Most people make a New Year's Resolution (I believe I made several) but I've given that up in place of New Month Resolutions. I'm even thinking that perhaps it's best I start by the week! I figure if I can stick to something for a week, and then a month, perhaps one day I will be able to move onto a year. So here we are in April and I had begun turning over several "new leafs" in the last five days when I had to reign myself in. "Okay, B you are once again biting off way more than that big mouth of yours can chew - spit a little out, grab your shrimp fork, and take a reasonable bite."

So here it is. One of the members of the Compact board to which I belong (yet another one of my big ideas) suggested that we engage in a "no-spend challenge" for one week. This challenge began yesterday, April 4th, and I am two days in and have one semi-cheat under my belt. Sooo, I began with the exception that I would need to buy groceries since my agreeing to participate had been a last minute decision and I hadn't had time to prepare with food. Now, DH and I decided that we needed a break from his studying for finals before they really kicked in and we decided to go to a movie at the last minute. I thought about the fact that I couldn't spend any money and was bummed but then realized that I had two free passes at home - problem solved - Yay! But THEN I realized that I really wanted a snack for the movies and I didn't have time to pack one before leaving the house because it was a last minute decision and the movie was starting and we had to sneak out before DS noticed that we were leaving (breathe). Soooo, I decided that since we had made the exception for the groceries, that it wouldn't really be cheating if we went to the gas station on the way and purchased some chips and candy (which breaks a whole other resolution - but that is for another day) and called it groceries :). DH takes the stance that we rarely get out and if the opportunity arises we should be able to get some grub to go with our flick. I see his point, but seriously, I only made this commitment for a week - not a month and if we can't go a week without spending then we are really in trouble. He felt no guilt for our not-so-cheaty-cheat. Ahhhh, the joy of being a compartmentalized man.

So was that a cheat? Oh probably, but I'm going to forgive myself simply based on creative reasoning :). You'll see a lot of that here - it's my wonderful gift to myself that allows me to live in a fantastic world of denial when I deem it necessary for my sanity. And yes, those chips and candy bars were essential to the maintenance of my sanity - so don't even ask. My cheat set me back but alas my creativity kicked in once more this evening. We absolutely loved the soundtrack to the movie (Reign Over Me) and wanted to go download it at home, when once again, we realized we would have to wait a week - instant gratification be damned! Then I remembered that ITunes gift card that we had sitting at home! Hooray for me and my hoarding of gift certificates (okay, this is another problem that should probably be discussed one day... but I digress) - it has finally paid off. I figure with all of the gift certificates that have gone unused I can do this "no-spend" challenge once a month and never really have to face the challenge! Oh wait - I suppose that does sort of undermine the whole purpose huh? I'm supposed to become a more conscious spender, not a get-around-the-rules-spender. This isn't helping.

Damn, I did it again. Well the point of all this ramble is that my goal for this week is to not spend. Period. Let's see how that goes for the unfocused one.

It's off to bed for me. DS has been down for two hours now and if last night is any indication of what is in store for me tonight I best be getting there too.

C'mon Bare Your Soul

I've been putting off writing for the last year partly because I've been too damn tired, but also because I've just had too much to say and the thought of writing it all down seemed such a daunting task that I simply couldn't bare it. But then every day I would have these ideas, these questions, these concerns, these pervasive and unending thoughts that I just wanted to get out of me. So here I am gettin' them out.

I've often wondered (and I'm sure this topic has been done to death in blogger world - but since I have been out of blogger world and still don't quite understand the ins and outs of it anyway, I'm going to give it a final kill), what is a blog? What is the purpose? What does it do? What do I do with it? Why would I do whatever it is that I do do with it with it? And the questions go on. When my husband first mentioned livejournal to me a few years ago I asked out loud - why the hell would someone put their journal online for everyone to see? Doesn't that defeat the pourpose of a journal? Isn't a journal supposed to be a place for us to unload our most private thoughts and deepest yearnings? Won't the integrity of our thoughts be compromised when we know that they will be shared with the world? I used to think so but maybe not. Maybe we have all been too private. Maybe this puritanical society in which we have been raised has divided us by silencing us. So many topics that shouldn't be discussed in mixed company, ideas that are better left dormant, feelings that touch too deep... meanwhile we are quitely suffocated by fear. What is it, exactly, that we are afraid of? What would happen if we just put ourselves out there and bared our souls for all to see? What could possibly happen? Would some horrible fate befall us? Would civilization crumble at the mere sharing of thoughts, feelings, and ideas? Isn't this what philosophy was born of? Might we find that we all actually share common bonds? Could it be that even those who don't think they think about "those things" might actually think about them too and then feel freed to come clean about it? Might this be the perfect way for all of us to begin living actual authentic lives? Could this be a way to bring us all closer together as we see that we are all not so different? Okay, and what of our differences - after all, they are what make us individuals? Is it possible that, we through our differences, might begin to question and learn and possibly find truth? What would become of us if we did?

I don't know. But I do find the idea liberating. Journaling for everyone. An amazing concept. Let's lay it out there. Let's have ideas be born, information shared, experiences documented, feelings expressed. Let's do it all.

Okay, so most of you already get this... but give me a break, I'm just catching up :).

Finally

So, it's been well over a year since my last post... but I have thought of you often, Blogspot. I have missed this place. This wonderful space to think out loud and maybe be heard. So let me catch myself up on the last year...

Oh, to hell with that. Who can remember their first year with a baby? I can tell you this. He is amazing. I have not slept since 2005. He's still amazing. My body has been ravaged and is only now slowly starting to spring back again. It was worth it. My heart now beats outside of me for everyone to see. Thank you Roo. The joy is unending, the awe is inspiring, the journey is a gift. Back in 2004 my New Year's resolution was to find more grace in my life. Finally, it's been found.

And that's 2006 in a nutshell. Oh, and I became an Itsy Bitsy Yoga Teacher... but that's a whole other story.

Where Has All The Chivalry Gone?

Where are the days when pregnant women received special treatment? Because I can tell you they are not here... I've been looking for them and I simply can't find them anywhere. I thought that there would be a blissful few months during my pregnancy when I would be all aglow and brimming with a big belly that strangers would smile more, ask to rub my belly, make more room in the grocery store aisles, rush to hold doors for me, and offer to carry my packages for me. Well, I have to say this is NOT the case. If anything, I have found people to be more rude than before! I will admit that I do walk around with quite a sense of entitlement due to the special little bundle that is growing in my belly. Every time someone cuts me off or doesn't let me go first down a parking lot row I find myself wanting to jump out of the car and show them my belly. How dare they take the closer spot to the door or drive recklessly around my child? Now, put aside my irrational sense of importance and understand that this rude behavior continues well beyond the confines of my car. There are no adoring strangers asking to rub my belly, hell I can' t even find any of those rude strangers that everyone warned me about that will just throw themselves upon my belly with no warning. I have had more doors NOT held for me, more people cut in front of me, and more people NOT offer me their seat or to cut in front of them in the restroom line than ever before. Even the grocery store clerks have stopped asking me if I need assistance carrying my bags to the car. What is this about? Has pregnancy gone from a sacred miracle to some kind of burden on society? What happened to my dreams about these 9 special months where I would truly be revered and adored? All in all I don't really need all the special treatment, as I am fortunate to be a pretty healthy pregnant woman, but it would be nice to be asked and treated with a little delicacy. Perhaps I am more sensitive to rude people now that I'm pregnant but Chris has picked up on this as well - so at least I know I'm not completely imagining things. Pregnancy hormones have been known to cause small bouts of psychosis every now and then.

A Pirate Name?

So Josh had me peeing my pants today (which really isn't difficult considering the 26 pounds currently residing on my bladder) with his story about strangers regularly calling him a pirate (yeah, I don't know how that happens either) and his subsequent search for his pirate name. It made me want to search for MY pirate name - though I've never actually been mistaken for one. So here it is... I have to say, I kinda like it. You can find your pirate name too - just follow the link below. Argh!

Bloody Ethel Rackham

Every pirate lives for something different. For some, it's the open sea. For others (the masochists), it's the food. For you, it's definitely the fighting. You have the good fortune of having a good name, since Rackham (pronounced RACKem, not rack-ham) is one of the coolest sounding surnames for a pirate. Arr!

Find your pirate name here: http://www.fidius.org/quiz/

Thank God... I'm not expecting and Amazon

When the nice man at the coffee shop congratulated me, told me what a blessing my baby is, and then asked me how many days until I was due, I almost turned his coffee over on his head and ran away crying! Instead, I composed myself, thanked him, told him I still had 9 weeks to go, and went on my way wondering all the way up the street if was going to give birth to a toddler! The rest of me is still regular size but my belly... oh my belly! I am the same size as all the women in my birth class who are due a month before me and the ones that are due around the same time are way smaller than me. My midwife swears that I am simply just vertically challenged and don't have anywhere else to put this kid since I am so petite. Well, I just wasn't buying it. Chris was a 10lb baby and I was sure that Riley was going to be even bigger. I was anxiously awaiting this morning's ultrasound and was sure they were going to tell me that he was already 5lbs (and since they gain 1/2lb to 3/4lb every week from now until the end, I was very, very afraid). But good news came my way and I walked out of my appointment feeling lighter just from the news that my little bundle is only about 3 1/2 lbs - which puts him on par to weigh around 8lbs at birth. PHEW! You all know I am super duper gung ho about having natural childbirth so I you can only imagine my relief at learning that my child is, so far, a normal size.

The Great Name Debate

As most of you know, the hubby and I have been in a last name quandry since the wedding. Now that we are expecting little Riley, it's crunch time as we can't just leave his birth certificate blank. Though, we have actually considered the option of not giving him a last name and preparing him for rock stardom. He can be just Riley - which at the rate we are going may wind up happening whether we want it to or not! Chris and I have spent endless hours discussing the last name options and we are no further out of our conundrum than we were before. So here it is... Neither one of us can really imagine changing our names but Chris doesn't want me to take his name and I don't want him to take my name. On the other hand we both want to have the same name as our son and we'd like to have the same name as each other. There is just something about being able to purchase address labels or a doormat that says the "_____'s." We also really like the idea of taking a common name as a way of beginning our own history. There is something very spiritual in that for us. The difficulty is that we can't seem to find a name that holds a real connection for both of us. We would love to take a family name from somewhere but that would mean choosing one of our families over the other. We have gone through all the things that we have shared over the years... places, pets, cities, jobs... but none of them really fit either. It's just so overwhelming to think of a whole new last name. I mean a first name is one thing but a last name is going to be in our family for generations and it should mean something. So we have been tossing around the name Rowan which we have taken from the Rowan tree. We love the name and we love the meaning and history behind the Rowan tree. It has been said to have magical properties and to act as protection from evil spirits. In addition it is a tree that can survive in the most difficult of conditions... poor soil, harsh weather, dramatic changes... It's berries are often used for healing and medicinal purposes and it has beautiful white flowers that blossom each year. So this is where we are leaning but it's hard to make the decision as it seems so final. It's hard to let go of who we've been for so long but this is important to us so we're going to have to just make a decision and be done with it... and soon! For now the debate continues... but we'll keep you posted.